“When I forgive, I set myself free and the perpetrator free in spirit.”
In the mid 1990’s I was part of a group of BK prison teachers and we were meeting with Dadi Janki, the Administrative Head of the Brahma Kumaris. To this day I recall her saying a similar thing. Referring to the prisoners, she said, ‘if you are unable to forgive that person, how can they begin to forgive themselves.’
What struck me in the statement was not that it aligned to my thinking – it was beyond my experience at that time. I think what struck me was the significance of what was being said; that I, as an individual, could have a profound impact on the personal healing and transformation of another person just through maintaining a clean, nurturing, supportive attitude that is free from the influence of past actions.
Many times over the years I have returned to this thought, marveling at its simplicity and significance. On one occasion, citing it as an example during a course I was conduction at the Retreat Centre, one woman angrily responded by asking, ‘what right do you have to forgive anyone?’ She was not prepared to see it any other way, implying that only God had a right to forgive.
Language can be so confusing and confronting when the feeling and intention with which it is shared is not explored fully.
From my perspective, the interpretation I give to forgiveness is not the wiping clean the slate, pretending that nothing has happened but the application of a spiritual power; the power to accept, to accommodate, to merge past events such that I remain focused on the person, here in the present. From this place I can begin to forgive the person without condoning the action.
To be aware of my feelings is so important for as my feelings, so I will view the activity and words of others, it is in this manner that I will listen to them and come into connection with them. In a negative context, if I have feelings of discomfort or concern, then I will find that whatever that person says or does will create a misunderstanding. They may be doing something worthwhile, something good but because my feelings are not good I will only find bad intention in their words and activity. Hence the expression, 'as is my vision, so is my world.'
Of course, everyone knows how to get on well with those who get on well with them. It’s all them others!!
To the statement, ‘if I can’t forgive them, how can they begin to forgive themselves?’ If someone has done something wrong then my tendency is to want to point out their fault and correct them. However, what is the impact of verbal teachings? Probably very limited – certainly when someone is giving teachings to me, aimed at changing my behaviour, the ego, where it can, will tend to resist those teachings. Where I am able to express an attitude of forgiveness, it is that which will become the teaching.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean to exonerate their behavior, forgiveness is to give them co-operation and good wishes, loveand respect: this is the method of giving teachings. You become a mirror for their actions and, without saying anything to them, they realise their mistake, perhaps not immediately but as you maintain a consistency in your relationship with them, they will.
This is captured in a very powerful passage, taken from the teachings within the Brahma Kumaris:
‘See the sanskars (behavioural patterns) of others with a merciful vision while not keeping those sanskars in front of you. There shouldn’t be any waste thoughts. If someone were to realize their own mistake, they wouldn’t spread that around but would instead merge it within themselves. If others were to spread the knowledge of that mistake of theirs, they wouldn’t like it. In this way, you should consider the mistake of others to be your own and not spread it around.
You shouldn’t create waste thought but should instead accommodate their mistakes. You should be able to put everything right with the power of love. Whatever you see or hear, merge that completely within yourself. You mustn’t use the power to oppose. Even if you don’t like something, you should still have regard for one another: you shouldn’t cut off someone’s words or ideas at that time.’
Ultimately, it is only a spiritual understanding that will bring us to a point of true forgiveness.
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