Continuing with the theme of forgiveness.
In previous blog entries, what we have explored is how to begin to forgive someone when we have been the victim. I think to consider what forgiveness means when I have been the perpetrator is also an interesting perspective to explore.
I can think of many occasions in my life when I have desired forgiveness for my actions, some occasions being more serious than others. When I have sought (or wished for) forgiveness it has been as a result of one of three things:
- I did something for which I was unaware of the impact it would have on a relationship; it may be that i have done this same action before but the sensativity of the individual involved on this occasion is much greater than with others previously and hence i have had to give energy into reparation of the relationship.
- I hadn’t given the 'offending' action due consideration as to what impact it might have; this scenario is likely to be that I thought the actions I was involved in would be good for a laugh or would be advantageous to me in some way, in that moment. Later, in the cold light of day, I would come to regret them.
or, as in a small number of occasions (honest),
- I didn’t think the other person would find out.
So, when I was seeking forgiveness, what exactly was it that I was seeking? Very simply, I was wishing for the relationship between myself and the person affected by my ‘crime’ to return to that which it was before the act. It is the desire for the actions to disolve into thin air, leaving no trace, stain or shadow.
In Camilla Carr’s book, ‘The Sky is Always There,’ where she chronicles her experiences of being held hostage in Chechnya, this, too, is the case for one of her captors. Having repeatedly raped her, over a period of months, when on yet another occasion he was expecting to have sex with her, Camilla burst into tears, slumped down by the door and said, “No, no more! Enough!” Her captor was confused and asked in broken English, “Why not? You Western woman!”
His behaviour, his expectation for sex, had been fuelled by watching films made in the West, including pornographic films. Because of the explicit nature of these films, unlike the films available in his own country, his assumption was that all Western women were promiscuous. On being informed that this was not the case, the captor felt guilt and remorse and sought forgiveness. In other words, he wished for their relationship to be ‘as it was before, unaffected by the crime.’
I wonder what proportion of people have been convicted for actions or behaviours that were done out of an ignorance i.e. they were 'not thought through' or for which they didn't reflect on the sensativity of others who would be affected? They too may well seek forgiveness. Should that be witheld from them because of the nature of their actions were such that they were convicted for them?
Camilla said of her experience, “Rape is a terrible violation of a human being. I will never forgive the act, yet I can forgive the man who raped me; I can feel compassion for him because I understand the desperate place he was coming from."
How it is so important to always separate the person form tha action. Yes, condemn the action but do not condemn the person!
