Following along the lines of the recent theme – our use of language - these funny quotes are allegedly real extracts from courtrooms. In each case the questions are from lawyers or barristers; the answers are from witnesses appearing in the witness box.
These anecdotes are amusing examples of language barriers and verbal confusions, and also examples of the communications misunderstandings which can occur between two people from different ‘worlds’, approaching a subject from different perspectives. The quotes are funny in themselves but also illustrate the importance of good communicating, listening and understanding skills.
The point is: when we want information, we must ask questions which convey meaning that is appropriate for the listener, not just the speaker. The quality of my communication reflects the quality of my relationships.
1. Probing Questions that Bring Clarity to a Case!
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget! Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
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Q: So the date of baby's conception was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
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Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
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Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
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Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
2. So That Cleared That Up!
Q: Did you kill the victim?
A: No, I did not.
Q: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
A: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.
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By the Court Clerk: Please repeat after me, "I swear by Almighty God ..."
By the Witness: I swear by Almighty God.
Clerk: That the evidence that I give ...
Witness: That's right.
Clerk: Repeat it.
Witness: Repeat it.
Clerk: No! Repeat what I said.
Witness: What you said when?
Clerk: That the evidence that I give ...
Witness: That the evidence that I give.
Clerk: Shall be the truth and ...
Witness: It will, and nothing but the truth!
Clerk: Please. Just repeat after me, "Shall be the truth and ..."
Witness: I'm not a scholar, you know.
Clerk: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me, "Shall be the truth and ..."
Witness: Shall be the truth and.
Clerk: Say, "Nothing ..."
Witness: Okay. [Witness remains silent]
Clerk: No! Don't say nothing. Say, "Nothing but the truth ..."
Witness: Yes.
Clerk: Can't you say, "Nothing but the truth ...?"
Witness: Yes.
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Clerk: Well? ... Do so.
Witness: You're confusing me.
Clerk: Just say, "Nothing but the truth ..."
Witness: Is that all?
Clerk: Yes.
Witness: Okay. I understand.
Clerk: Then say it.
Witness: What?
Clerk: "Nothing but the truth ..."
Witness: But I do! That's just it.
Clerk: You must say, "Nothing but the truth ..."
Witness: I will say nothing but the truth!
Clerk: Please, just repeat these four words "Nothing," "But," "The" "Truth."
Witness: What? You mean, like, now?
Clerk: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
Witness: "Nothing. But. The. Truth"
Clerk: Thank you.
Witness: I'm just not a scholar you know.
