Why is it that, with some people, we can let down our guard and feel totally comfortable and yet with others the steel walls just won’t crack! With some we can eat from the same plate and sip from the same drink, and others we keep at an arm’s length. Research has shown, that North Americans need, on average, three feet of space between them when conversing and yet South Americans (or those from warmer climates) require only a few inches of personal space.
What defines our comfort level for physical proximity to others is, actually, what is known as emotional proximity. For example, falling in love is an act of letting down our guard, allowing the other person to enter our mind and heart and then, perhaps, our whole life. Becoming angry with someone is an example of forces that put me ‘on my guard’, rejecting the other, and driving each other apart.
Our emotional proximity is often determined by how willing we are to listen to and understand the other person and how open we are to care for and share with others. For example, stepping into a room filled with ten people can feel overwhelming if you don’t know them but if all were friends or relatives, then even ten would cause no consternation.
When engaging with someone you don’t know for the first time, whether as a public speaker from a platform or as a probation officer with an offender, there is, inevitably, a distance between the two parties. For many of us, it is times like this, when we are feeling vulnerable or unsure of how we will be accepted, that we protect ourselves by not engaging, maybe by staying away or by being quiet.
However, the first ‘step’ towards each other needs to create positive emotions; a breaking of the ice. It is this that will begin to engender trust within the other person and in what they have to say. When one feels safe, accepted, respected or loved, one need not put up any fences. As this grows, it will encourage the other person to come closer and so to enhance emotional proximity.
This is beautifully demonstrated in the film ‘Dangerous Minds’, a story about a teacher learning to work with the class of kids who were deemed to be ‘social misfits.’ Her first experience of the class resulted in her walking out. It was only when a colleague advised her to find a way to engage with them that she was able to begin overcome the barriers. Great film!
For myself, perhaps it’s time to reflect, to recognise where I have constructed walls and that the walls that I’ve built around me only serve to isolate, not protect me. Letting go of them can open me up to a whole new world of possibilities. As Susan Jeffers says, “Feel the fear and do it anyway!”
